One of the biggest catch ups as a recovering parent is learning that taking time for myself isn’t wrong. In my head I hear the voices of the old timers telling me anything I put before my recovery I will lose. But could they really mean my child? Let me go back and take it from the beginning.
Heroin. Such a small word with such a huge meaning. To me it meant everything. If I could have describe heroin in one word, I would use Allah. Which means God. Honestly it was the thing I thought about from the minute I woke up until the minute I fell asleep. However, that isn’t how it started. No, it started with a boy name Matt.
HIS NAME WAS MATT
Matt was my first love. Well before drugs that was. He is the reason I left my Mother’s house and never looked back. Matt was 17 years old and I was 13. He introduced me to his friends and we all thought we were pretty cool. The house we hung out was known by most as a flop house. Shady things were occurring all around me but I didn’t care because I had Matt and I had drugs. Both loved me unconditionally until I became pregnant.
16 AND PREGNANT
Although 16 and pregnant has become somewhat of cliché. It was a reality for me. That seems like a lifetime ago and I am going to celebrate my 21st birthday in a week. Not that I can have or want a drink to celebrate. I left that behind when I gave birth to my beautiful Child, Lily.
BACK TO THE PRESENT
The minute I put anything before my recovery I start the process of taking back my will. In my own life I see it. I become restless, irritable, and discontented. How dare my husband leave his shoes on the floor? Why won’t my two-year-old go to bed? Why me? When I am no longer treating the spiritual aspect of my disease, I’m not able to be the super mom my family deserves. Those moments I find myself snuggled deep in the sofa watching frozen for the 18 billionth time with a temporally still toddler, and I say ” I don’t need a meeting today, this is more important” I have to remind myself that I cannot give from an empty well. In a lot of ways, I try to “extra mom” to cover up for the time when I wasn’t all there. There is no way to turn back the hands of time, but I can keep myself in the rooms and make sure I never have to be that parent again.
Never forget to keep living the beautiful sober life we have today we have to take tone for our recoveries. Meditation, meetings, sponsors, and being there for fellowship. These are all the things that allow us to be sober parents. When we put sobriety first we find that everything falls in place. I no longer am the drug addicted shell of a person that I was before. Now heroin thoughts no longer dance in my head. I am recovering but never recovered.